Over?

It has probably happened.

When a person doubts whether s/he is still in love, then its probably the best time to convince themselves that they are not... if they know that its love with no destination.
When love hurts, when there is too much pain and they are fed up of the pain, I think its the right time to try to let go.

Seems it has happened. Seems the distance will only grow now. Been saying it won't happen for so long. Its been at least 5 months. And he says it took me only a day :(
Said stuff that hurt me. Its okay. Its not comparable to his pain.

Seems the detachment has happened. I feel so bad now :(

I'm going to miss him so bad.

Will miss his soothing voice, the gentle touch, gentler warm hug, that impromptu kiss, that sudden super cute smile, correcting his past perfect tense, laughing aloud when he discovers that I'm recording the phone conversations, his puppy eyes... walking alongside him... oh! how I love that...

I'll miss u my love :(

Will u come see me on my big day?

I wonder if he will come for my funeral. I'm sure I'll die of a tumour. May not be in the brain, like I always hope. Tumour, if it is not suicide. I will not tell him when I am diagnosed of a tumour. That will be very painful for him.

I want him to come attend my funeral. My soul will wander about waiting for him. When I see him there, I will whisper in his ears-- My love, u wanted me to forgive u for all the times u cheated, all the times u sinned and hurt me. U know why I didn't? Because if I did, it'd just mean that I didn't care, that it makes no difference to me whether u hurt me or not. U should've been glad that I did not forgive u. It only showed that u were still the most important to me. The day I forgive u, it'll mean that anything u do is no longer going to make a difference to me. Is that how u wanted it? I will not forgive u, my love. Be happy about it."

And then I will plead to the powers above to let him feel it when I kiss him, one last time. After that kiss, my soul would be free and go away. I will try to go visit him but I don't know if that is possible.

He asked me a few days ago why I am talking so much about death.

I don't know.

The past pricks again

Times like right now, I feel like dirt when I think I am sticking by him. Of course I give him a piece of my mind often, I behave badly when the past pricks, but still I feel like dirt. DIRT.

Sigh!! I read an old conversation from his mail again today, a conversation he had with a girl the day after they shared the same bed. At her place. When both were drunk. So drunk that, during the conversation, neither remembered what happened on the previous night. And both are amused. Both going on saying that they are exhausted from last night.

Why did he not have the decency to say that he'd sleep somewhere else? When they had met the previous day, for the first time in their lives, he had called me. He called when she was away. Not when he was next to him. Why? And then when he saw her coming, he cut the call. Why? Of course he had in mind that he wanted to leave me and make her his next girl. Once a playboy, always a playboy. Foolish of me to have thought that he must've changed.

I don't understand why I am sticking to him. I know he did not feel much for me back then. But he did. He had come back home the next day and said 'sorry'. Why did he say that? He knew he had cheated. And then he had spent a month flirting with this girl through mails and chat. He stopped only when she found another guy for herself and told him about how hot and good looking the new guy is.

This is deliberate cheating. And then he lied to me that he changed his passwords because he had applied for a job and he was getting some 'embarrassing job offers'. Naive me believed it. Trusted him so much back then. Then I lost my trust, my faith, my confidence in him. Reached a phase where even if he came and told me that he had gotten-- too close to a girl, I wouldn't be surprised one bit.

The past will keep pricking me. I have lost all trust. I feel if he has done it once, pardon me, thrice, he can do it again.
Maybe he is trying. The day he is successful, he will give me an emotional speech about how he is lonely when I am away and how broken he will be when I am gone and that he should divert his mind elsewhere before things are so bad that it will break him, shatter him... and then he will tell me about the girl slowly, over the next 1 or 2 weeks. I will not be too surprised. Such things are expected of him.

When I tell him such stuff, he says that things are different, that he loves me way too much to hurt me hurt me again. But, what to do? He will never understand the amount he has hurt me. Because when he did it, he wasn't in love with me. He was only playing games. Playboy. Once a cheat, always a cheat.
I don't know why I am sticking by him. He has been used by a lot of girls when he was with me, even if it was just namesake. Well, he cheated hen he was important to me. I cannot be unhurt just because he did it when he did not love me. I think through my head, not his.

He hates it when I dig into his past again and again. But.. :'( it hurts to know that he had left me for so many other girls, fooled me so many times. Why am I sticking by him?

Sweet crime

When he does it, it is a sweet act by a helpless, little kid. But when I do it, it is an unforgiveable crime. I don't really like the idea of keeping my stuff open to critical eyes that love to peep.

It seems it is a crime to be thoughtful. The only reason I did not call when I woke up is because I did not want to be the source of distraction. As it is, he is short of time. Then why create a chance where he will again try explaining Greek and Latin to me and waste time? I thought its wiser to keep mum and let him work.

Talking to a friend in the meanwhile is a crime! And look at the things he says after he peeps into my account!! My God! I wonder how a life with him would be. Maybe I'll be cut off from the whole world!!

That's it!

I have mighty messed up my life. Have to make that final post and go. Just go. Not giving myself a chance to think much. Its easier that way. I dont care what happens after I'm gone.
7th May.

Hate all u men!

Bloody men! I hate whatever constitutes men, whatever they are made up of. I hate their sick brains, their horrible hormones and their hateful instincts. Bastards all of them. Can never see a female as another human being. They are always an object- an object of sexual satisfaction, object to pass time on and to feast their eyes upon, and sometimes hands or other parts of the body too.

Hate u all, u bloody men! And THIS is the very reason I never let em go happily if I see them enjoy a woman's discomfort when they stare at or wink at or touch a woman stranger. I quickly pace up and reach the culprit and give him a hard kick an inch above the back of his ankle, where it hurts a lot. When he turns to look, I give him exactly the same look that he had given to the woman whom he had troubled, when they looked at him. I get a sense of achievement, jubiliation, joy, satisfaction and fulfilment after that act. I did it a while ago on an eve teaser.. teasing me! Kicked a big cement block backwards so that it'd land on his bony leg and hurt him. It did. YAY!
Bastards all of them!

Other things in life

For once, I like the distractions. It feels good when I don't feel the pain and sorrow, the possessivness and jealousy, the thirst and passion. For once, it feels nice to be away, distant, apart, to not have the feeling of being wanted.
For once, I have given myself a chance to look at the other little joys of life which I have been overlooking... and I saw... and now, I shall try never to forget them or ignore them.

Life is actually cute. Just look around at the right time with an open mind.