Wishes..

I wish his annoyance would melt, wish his anger would leave him, wish he'd realize that even I don't like his arrogance.. When he snaps at me for something, I feel sad. But I remain silent and listen. Because most of the times than not, he proves to me from his actions and words and silence that he needs a listener. Only a listener. He doesn't even want the listener to ask anything. I know that because when I ask him to repeat what I haven't heard, he snaps again. So, a lot of times, a lot of things remain un-understood. Because I stop asking him to repeat thinking he'll be angry. He whispers on phone. Talks as if I'm right next to him in a silent room. But, my surroundings are not very quiet. But, I feel that he might get angry if I ask him to be louder. So, I press the phone hard to my ear. It hurts. But.. I can't help it. I wish he were more empathetic. I wish that he'd be a little less biased towards himself. I wish he'd understand me more. I wish he'd understand how sensitive I am..

And then he tells me that I shouldn't be scared of him..

This is how it is..

These days I walk with my head held low, aiming to study the stones that everybody steps on, trying to concentrate on the weeds so unwanted, wanting to give them some attention too, for they are usually left forgotten, and when they are noticed, they are kicked away from the way or plucked away from the rest of the good ones around, so that they don't get seen, because they don't gel in with the better ones around.

These days my smiles aren't genuine, they are forced out to humour people who smile at me, people who think everything is still smooth and fine in my life, at people who crave to have someone smile at them, at my family from whom I hide my sorrow because I don't want them to be worried or to come to me with cheer-up advices; these days my laughter doesn't echo like before.

These days, I am being judged, scrutinized, scanned, criticized, rebuked, warned and left with a feeling that everything is going to come to an end, that my source of happiness will be snatched away from me, that my smiles will disappear permanently, that life will become meaningless, that I wouldn't mind it if life left me behind to rot on this cruel loveless land.

These days, I wish I were robotic, that I wouldn't feel for things, for people, that I wouldn't get attached to them so easily, that letting go would be no mean task for me, that I'd really not care for them.

These days I ask Him why I was born Indian.

Not good..

I feel suicidal...

I fear...

And then one day, you'll grow out of me and you'll think how foolish you were to stick by me when you could've had better. You'll ask urself why you did it and you'll get the answer - guilt. Guilt for making me dream, for building up hopes in me, for hurting me.. and then the occasional human side of yours didn't want to hurt me again. You'll feel it has been a waste of good years, wasted amply with me, gaining nothing when you could've been elsewhere, bathing in pleasure. And when I know that you were with me because of your guilt, that will be the day I break. I will lose my speech, will have no words for anyone.

I hope you never look back at our togetherness as wasted time, or with complaints. I hope you always smile when you think of 'us', that the memories that are sweet to me are cherished by you too... forever...

Farewell

Go. You may go. I set you free. Free from the bounds of my love and possessiveness. Go far away so you don't feel it because if you do, you will have the urge to come back to me. I can only give you this much. You have been happy and contended with it. But you have needs too. I understand. I will complain. But you don't need to listen. You can fly far away to fulfill your needs elsewhere. You made me feel so complete once. Now, with all your unfulfilled wishes, I feel so incomplete. Your happiness and satisfaction are important to me. So, I let you fly high, soar high, far and wide, in search of ways to fulfill your needs, your beautiful dreams. Do not be scared, do not hesitate. You have nothing to lose. When you feel lonely, you can turn to me. When the world turns its back at you, just turn your back at it and you will be facing me. I will be your supporting strong pillar, never failing and ever trustworthy, always there for you. Do not worry, I will not betray. I set you free for I know my shortcomings. Go, go fulfill your dreams.

Farewell, my lovely one! Farewell!

Angry for now

"Call me" the SMS said.

Aww.. so sweet. I called immediately. We spoke for 5 minutes. All the while, I sensed distractions on the other side.

"Whom are u talking to?" I enquired.

"I'm not alone!! I'm here with 4 other people", said the stern voice on the other end.

"Oh"

I wanted to ask, "Why the hell did u ask me to call if u cant talk?!" I didn't.

"Call me later" said the voice.

Grrr.. I'm so angry right now! Oh I AM understanding, I am. Tomorrow, I'll understand. But for now, I'm way too angry.

Phew!

Yay! I've got the crap out of my head. I sort of feel at peace now. Like I have said what I wanted to whoever I wanted to say it. Even though I know the message has not been conveyed, I feel at ease. At least I spoke it all out.

Now. I would like to close this chapter. Forget that I ever had an inclination for this friend of mine. Forget it because his friendship, come what may, is too precious to me to lose. So, I gladly let him look for his love, and like always, I'll be his never failing support.

I feel at peace. Seriously. Nothing like being surrounded by some wonderful friends. If you have a group of well bonded friends around you whom you can completely trust and depend on, life's really worth it then!

Three cheers to all my close buddies!! :-) I feel so much at peace... Time for chocolates- the ultimate celebration!