Will u come see me on my big day?

I wonder if he will come for my funeral. I'm sure I'll die of a tumour. May not be in the brain, like I always hope. Tumour, if it is not suicide. I will not tell him when I am diagnosed of a tumour. That will be very painful for him.

I want him to come attend my funeral. My soul will wander about waiting for him. When I see him there, I will whisper in his ears-- My love, u wanted me to forgive u for all the times u cheated, all the times u sinned and hurt me. U know why I didn't? Because if I did, it'd just mean that I didn't care, that it makes no difference to me whether u hurt me or not. U should've been glad that I did not forgive u. It only showed that u were still the most important to me. The day I forgive u, it'll mean that anything u do is no longer going to make a difference to me. Is that how u wanted it? I will not forgive u, my love. Be happy about it."

And then I will plead to the powers above to let him feel it when I kiss him, one last time. After that kiss, my soul would be free and go away. I will try to go visit him but I don't know if that is possible.

He asked me a few days ago why I am talking so much about death.

I don't know.