Repairing the soul

Its not a good phase that I'm going through. I've been earnestly trying to help myself come out of this sad unhealthy state of mind. Mmm.. music.. music can be a good help in this matter. Of late, I've been listening to very sad heart-broken songs like What Hurts the Most, Fool Again, That's Why You Go Away and the like. I chose these songs because the happy lovey dovey ones seemed to be mocking at me, celebrating love and life when I was sulking for lack of them. And these sad ones that I chose unfailingly put me in a sickening state of mind. Was more like I was calling out to sorrow for company. Not only was my mind sad and my eyes perenially moist, but it was also affecting my health. I had had enough. Why should I cry for someone who doesn't even deserve my tears? Why should I sulk and waste away my beautiful life? I needed to urgently bounce back to my normal self, to my normal naughty crazy state of mind.

One little thing I could do was to change my playlist. So, I deleted all the sad ones and put in all my goody favourite songs just before a two and a half hour journey. I carefully filtered the playlist and saw to it that there were no sad songs at all in it. Shakira was in my list earlier because she was a refreshing splash of energy and never failed to make me rock along. But now, I was so confident about my new playlist that I didn't include her this time.

My journey began. Switched on my music player. I loved those songs, they were all my favourites. And then, the inevitable happened. Tears welled up in my eyes. Oh oh! I shouldn't have included that song. But I loved it, so didn't skip it. Next song. More tears. Oh freak! ALL my favourite songs had a touch of sadness in them. Such a loser! Like I enjoyed sorrow, loved sulking and having eternally moist eyes. I need help!

Seriously, I have to do something about myself. I have to get busier maybe. Spend less.. aah no.. spend NO time thinking about my past. Get in touch with long lost friends and strengthen the bonds with my close buddies. Now they've been a refreshing lot :-) Yes I know how to repair myself, how to pull myself out of this huge lone hole that I fell into, how to live once again..

Where are all the chocolates?

Of late, I have this developed this immense craving for chocolates. And I'm not choosy. Anything will do, with or without the wafer or nuts inside, though I prefer pure chocolate. Better if its not dark chocolate; its bitter, its fun, its healthier, it leaves me feeling naughty and adventurous, but I prefer milk chocolates. White chocolate is good too. What's more.. I'm having one right now.. as I type this. And getting this one was more like a treasure hunt.

I was lying down and listening to a song by this lovely voice.. and like heaven, poured into my mind- hot chocolate. (Yeah, heaven.. chocolate.. one and the same) I sat up, eyes wide, mouth tight shut coz I was drooling, my earphones lying on the bed, that lovely voice abandoned. That was for precisely three and a half seconds. Then I jumped out of bed as if I was bitten by a bug and paced all the way to the kitchen, opened the fridge with anticipation in my eyes, gladly dug my hand in and pulled out a... a... a...?
...
.....
huh?
...

WHERE ARE ALL THE CHOCOLATES???

Oh mighty heavens, or hell.. or whatever was responsible for this craving in me.. who ate all the chocolates? I vividly remember having seen at least a dozen bars when I had them last. My brother it has to be. Grrr... He was in office. I called him; rarely ever call him when he's at work. He was concerned.

"What's the matter?"
"WHERE ARE ALL THE CHOCOLATES??"
"WHAT?? Are you crazy? You called me for this?"
"WHERE ARE ALL THE CHOCOLATES????"
"Don't yell."
"There's not one in the fridge"
"Ohhh hussshhhh!!! Open my black bag. There are a few KitKats in there. And keep everything else in place. And don't..."
BANG!!! Oh.. that was me slamming the phone. My work done, who has time to listen to his silly instructions?

Rushed to his bag and there they were.. half a dozen shiny red objects. Crunchy munchy KitKats mmmmmm... heaven... :-) :-) :-)

And here I am relishing them and finishing them. Will tell bro to buy another boxful on his way back :D Oh by the way, the dozen chocolates that I had seen in the fridge last time, probably had seen them before they got attacked by me heh heh..

Just another day

Like he’s a little kid, I’ve started taking lightly everything he says.. every thoughtless, angry rude word he utters.. I show that I’m taking it jokingly.. hopefully makes him feel light. And that way I can fool myself too. Can make myself believe that he really doesn’t mean what he says; its just his frustration that he’s letting out. He’s already burdened n stressed. He’s not big enough to take all that. He used to let it out by talking it out and I listened to him. It was nice. His stress was a hell lot more than what I was under.. even I used to let it out by talking to him probably made him feel like he’s not the only one around who has tensions.. and he’d try to calm me down. It always worked.. always works.. he’s good at it :-) He’s younger.. but I have loads to learn from him.. I think he teaches and inspires me a hell lot more than I do to him.. if I do that is.. He’s a charmer at times :P that’s when he’s ‘in the mood’.. and.....
when he’s not, he can be oh so rude n arrogant. I think he knows what exactly he has to say to make me angry.. smart little thing.. Today I said something that made him angry and irritated and then started his attack of words.. just started saying things. Now that.. sort of hurt. Tried to take that lightly too. He hurts me with words.. regularly, knowingly or unknowingly. Sometimes I shed a few tears.. he doesn’t know.. never will. Who knows.. knowing that might hurt him too. These rude words.. I wouldn’t have cared a damn if it came from someone who dint matter.. but this little friend of mine matters for sure. Somehow, for the past few days, he’s been more bad to me than good.. unlike it used to be earlier. It was very sweet earlier, very very sweet. These days.. oh.. my eyes are wet as I type this out.. these days he leaves me wondering why he seems to hate me so much.. He says its exam fever.. but.. tell me.. would we hurt a dear friend with words if we are stressed? :-( no.. I think he really hates me now.. I have no idea what I have done.. His behaviour towards me is suddenly so bad.. a very beautiful friendship seems to be heading towards a dead end.. just like he had once said.. I have to turn it back in some way.. it should live on forever.. I cant afford to let something I cherish end like this.. cant let it end in any way.. I hope he really doesn’t hate me. Hope everything comes back to normal again. I wish I could turn time back. Here I am.. trying to build back a wonderful relation and he.. all ignorant, rude and uncaring :-( How can he not feel it?
Its draining me, I’m tired. Famished. Hollow. I feel useless, unwanted, forgotten. And helpless. I seem to be losing control over everything – myself, my behaviour, my words, my emotions, health, thoughts, my heart and soul. It’s such a weird and painful phase that I’m going through. Find my self staring into nothingness till someone calls out to me. There’s an emptiness.. like I’ve woken up from a long dream only to realize that all my comrades have left this useless being and gone away.. far far away where I can never reach..
These emotions are strong. They are biting into me because neither can I do anything about it, nor will I let him. Because me the fool doesn’t know how to talk. How to open up!! Look at stupid me sit and type as if it’s a letter to the family psychiatrist!!! My head is splitting with questions.. with sense and nonsense and non sensibilities and the urgent need is to let it out into the open.. to talk it out.. to let the frustrations out... so what if it leads nowhere? At least I’ll feel lighter.. why cant I ever talk.. why cant I learn from my mistakes.. why am I such a dumb weakling.. wish I could control my emotions better.. wish I were stronger.. wish I hadn’t got so attached.....