Just another day

Like he’s a little kid, I’ve started taking lightly everything he says.. every thoughtless, angry rude word he utters.. I show that I’m taking it jokingly.. hopefully makes him feel light. And that way I can fool myself too. Can make myself believe that he really doesn’t mean what he says; its just his frustration that he’s letting out. He’s already burdened n stressed. He’s not big enough to take all that. He used to let it out by talking it out and I listened to him. It was nice. His stress was a hell lot more than what I was under.. even I used to let it out by talking to him probably made him feel like he’s not the only one around who has tensions.. and he’d try to calm me down. It always worked.. always works.. he’s good at it :-) He’s younger.. but I have loads to learn from him.. I think he teaches and inspires me a hell lot more than I do to him.. if I do that is.. He’s a charmer at times :P that’s when he’s ‘in the mood’.. and.....
when he’s not, he can be oh so rude n arrogant. I think he knows what exactly he has to say to make me angry.. smart little thing.. Today I said something that made him angry and irritated and then started his attack of words.. just started saying things. Now that.. sort of hurt. Tried to take that lightly too. He hurts me with words.. regularly, knowingly or unknowingly. Sometimes I shed a few tears.. he doesn’t know.. never will. Who knows.. knowing that might hurt him too. These rude words.. I wouldn’t have cared a damn if it came from someone who dint matter.. but this little friend of mine matters for sure. Somehow, for the past few days, he’s been more bad to me than good.. unlike it used to be earlier. It was very sweet earlier, very very sweet. These days.. oh.. my eyes are wet as I type this out.. these days he leaves me wondering why he seems to hate me so much.. He says its exam fever.. but.. tell me.. would we hurt a dear friend with words if we are stressed? :-( no.. I think he really hates me now.. I have no idea what I have done.. His behaviour towards me is suddenly so bad.. a very beautiful friendship seems to be heading towards a dead end.. just like he had once said.. I have to turn it back in some way.. it should live on forever.. I cant afford to let something I cherish end like this.. cant let it end in any way.. I hope he really doesn’t hate me. Hope everything comes back to normal again. I wish I could turn time back. Here I am.. trying to build back a wonderful relation and he.. all ignorant, rude and uncaring :-( How can he not feel it?
Its draining me, I’m tired. Famished. Hollow. I feel useless, unwanted, forgotten. And helpless. I seem to be losing control over everything – myself, my behaviour, my words, my emotions, health, thoughts, my heart and soul. It’s such a weird and painful phase that I’m going through. Find my self staring into nothingness till someone calls out to me. There’s an emptiness.. like I’ve woken up from a long dream only to realize that all my comrades have left this useless being and gone away.. far far away where I can never reach..
These emotions are strong. They are biting into me because neither can I do anything about it, nor will I let him. Because me the fool doesn’t know how to talk. How to open up!! Look at stupid me sit and type as if it’s a letter to the family psychiatrist!!! My head is splitting with questions.. with sense and nonsense and non sensibilities and the urgent need is to let it out into the open.. to talk it out.. to let the frustrations out... so what if it leads nowhere? At least I’ll feel lighter.. why cant I ever talk.. why cant I learn from my mistakes.. why am I such a dumb weakling.. wish I could control my emotions better.. wish I were stronger.. wish I hadn’t got so attached.....