Phew!

Yay! I've got the crap out of my head. I sort of feel at peace now. Like I have said what I wanted to whoever I wanted to say it. Even though I know the message has not been conveyed, I feel at ease. At least I spoke it all out.

Now. I would like to close this chapter. Forget that I ever had an inclination for this friend of mine. Forget it because his friendship, come what may, is too precious to me to lose. So, I gladly let him look for his love, and like always, I'll be his never failing support.

I feel at peace. Seriously. Nothing like being surrounded by some wonderful friends. If you have a group of well bonded friends around you whom you can completely trust and depend on, life's really worth it then!

Three cheers to all my close buddies!! :-) I feel so much at peace... Time for chocolates- the ultimate celebration!

Friendship murdered

Girl, I can never forgive you for what you did. I don't blame him. It is you who came in our way. Things were so beautiful, so sweet. Such beautiful things planned for later. Everything was lovely and nice. Then you came. His attention got diverted. His mind was biased. His heart was harder and he forgot all the sweetness. He turned his back to me, ignored me. He was head over heels in love with you. My absence was not felt. I was sad, left forgotten and unwanted. I knew it was you who did it all. He was not sorry for anything. He said the rest of the world is a blur when one is newly in love. Everything was beautiful now between the two of you. I was happy for my lovely friend, for he had finally found the happiness that he had been in search of, for long.

Then, you left him. In the middle of nowhere. Lost, like I was, loveless, like I had been, unwanted, like I had felt. He loved you a hell lot, could do anything for you. Could even change himself. But you left him for another. He was alone again. I had made myself believe that I had recovered from the shock of him going away from me. Now, he needed a listener, he came to me, sorry for what he had done. I felt for him now more than ever before. But there was an awkwardness for all that happened in between. The purity and beauty levels had fallen.

I blame it all on you. Things would have been heavenly if you had not come and troubled it all. We would've had lovely memories if not for you. Why did you have to come in? And if you came, why did you have to go, leaving the dear boy a broken heart, a lost soul? There has been a major rift in the beauty of our friendship ever since you came into the picture. Why did you ever come in? I can never forgive you for this. You have brutally murdered something very precious, priceless.

Why girl? Why? Why did you ever do this?

Missing you

Its you that I miss, you stupid little fool! Its you who has been on my mind. Its you who's been pounding and poking at my head. The pic that was piercing into me was yours. Its you whom I was missing horribly.. and still am. Its you whom I dread meeting now, for I may just get too emotional. It will bring back the memories again.. the times you used me as your alarm clock, when I'd wait for that time and when I'd try to wake you up, you'd plead for another 10 minutes, you'd say things which made me angry and which you'd not remember after u woke up. I miss all that. Make me angry again..

Its you whom I miss when you are so busy missing someone else..

Memories flood back

"Never leave me. Lost without you"
Those were his last words before separation happened. How ironical! But yeah, its a fact that his mind changed too soon. Those words had touched me and I had made it a part of me. Accepted it and promised myself to live it till he would decide against it; I knew deep within me that it would be him who would walk away. Then I'd be free to leave him, because he did not want to stay. I knew that such a time would come, just that I did not know that it was only a few hours away. I accepted the things that happened later- the separation, the distance- when I came to know why it had happened. Tried to let loose the attachment I had, told myself I had succeeded. Did not try to find out the truth. I wanted the attachment to fade away. And I thought it had.
But, it hadn't and it wouldn't. I cannot be close to someone for less than a year. I cannot think of 2 ppl in a year. That's the way I am programmed. I realised when I was looking at some photos that I had taken. Was quickly browsing through them.. My eyes fell on a picture of his. A picture I had taken. He seemed tired, sleepy, relaxed, his ever cute self.. but his eyes seemed to be full of passion.. and now they were piercing through me. Couldn't take my eyes off it for a long time. I felt like I was being pulled into another world. Everything came flooding back. Like a tsunami.. drowned me in my past, killed my peace of mind, the emotions resurfaced and I was a wreck. I have been a wreck ever since. A whole day has passed and he's been on my mind all day- pricking me, bringing back into my mind everything that I had tried to forget. Tears rolling down often. A stone in my throat because of the guilt of not being able to forget it all. The emotions only growing stronger than ever. I can't take it. Can't take the distance. Can't take this undying attachment. All the effort I took to accept the distance had been in vain. Now, I'm back to square one, an elevated one this time.
I cannot face him now. Its going to be very awkward. Or, I may just burst into tears. Or behave stupidly.. I might.. I dont know.. I feel weak, like a helpless kitten. I cannot do anything about this. I will live with it, silently, trying once again to supress it all. This time it is not going to be easy at all.